I did something weird these days

I did something weird these days.
Why weird? 'Cause it used to be not weird but customary, I'm not sure if I regret it, it awoke some old doubts and questions in me that had long been put to rest... And it was good and bad and awkward all at the same time and I thought one thing before and another after and I realized some things and was reminded of some other things and it was a bit painful, always confusing, a little against my will, a little for it and I think it all made about 0% of sense, which is what pains me a bit now.
In other words just
really
plain
big-ass
WEIRD.
I think I do regret it. I guess what After Alexia thinks is more important than what Before Alexia thinks. Pff chyeah.
You know, something must've happened. I must've hit my head. Actually, I did: against three shots of tequila.
But what's the deal with my still caring?
WHO CARES if that's all that happens when we see each other?
Pfff... Please... of course I do.
In that case it was a big ol' mistake.
What the fuck is my problem? I was so excited. What was I so excited about.
OF COURSE, once again, I expected a change. OF COURSE. So much so that I didn't expect it to go the way it did. I thought it was going to be a blast, probably like the old days.
I feel kinda stupid.
I hope it's mutual.
After all, that's all he has to offer and the only thing that minimally binds us; and I don't even like it anymore.
I can't believe I even have to tell myself all these things all over again.
I mean, I KNOW it already and it's so OLD!
He's a liar!
He's a fake!
He's deceitful!
He doesn't care for me!
I know! I know! I know!
Bla bla bla!
Okay, all right! So I fucked up.
It's all right. The more I fuck up the more I learn.
GOD, did I learn NOTHING at George School?!?!
It's like I forget things.
Well... I mean, I'm looking at it like I'm a complete retard, and thought I may be, you must understand that I had a whole perfect guy based on him. And through him, he - the perfect guy - was real. Not just through him, BTW, but through my instated blindness to his non-perfect guy parts, which happen to be about 99,99% of him.
So... I mean, I loved the perfect guy intensely... and I just miss him a lot sometimes. And I guess, since I don't know where else to look when I miss him most, I sometimes look for him or wish for him through... him.

Okay.
Mistake.
It's okay.
At least I got laid.