A Noite do Apagão

I like writing
badly and bad
things because it's
the seule façon
that je peux
être sûre que I'm
not writing for
anyone, indirectly
trying to impress
anyone, or thinking
of what I write
being critiqued
as if I were
submitting it
or something.
In that way, it
safeguards the
ideas and feeling
behind my writing,
and, of course,
my actual writing

I hope my candle
lasts, otherwise
I shall have no
source of
light on this
dark, dark
night.

There wouldn't
be life after
dark if there
were no light.
Anarchy might
happen after dark
if there were
no light

For X-mas
this year, I
wanna get into
FAU-USP and Escola
da Cidade, a
good trip to Bahia,
a new candle, and,
the item that insti-
gated all of this,
hot sex.

Will's here.
I was about to
wonder in here
if he was gonna
make it up here,
since there is no electricity. It's
just like we
lived in Amish
country. Just
like Will always
wanted.

Will doesn't
think I'll
kill myself.
We'll just
see about that.
Is he eating in the dark?!

C'est toujours
une dommage d'entendre
ton père en chiant...
Fils de pute putain

I Snorted Cocaine (and my talent for telling stories)

It is 1:00 am, the dreaded 22nd of Nov. - fuvest today in 12 hours - exactly 1:00 pm. But since it is only 1:00, it still feels like Friday to me. So mind yourself when I say last night was one of the craziest nights I've had in a long... long... time.
I'm gonna have to try to "nutshell" it, 'cause I gotta go to sleep and I'm actually sleepy and don't feel like writing.
Jenny from cursinho asked me if I wanted to go have lunch w/ her (I LOVE it when I'M asked out and not the other way around) after class, and I said yeh. Where? We took a bus all the way to none other than Paulista and lunched and "beered" at the Charme! It was great - we entertained each other with our respective stories of how (and when) we lost our virginities - apparently she lost her virginity to her 2nd cousin. We had 2 bottles and were off. She bought a vynil record for her boyfriend, by Rory Gallagher (there was a beautiful drawing of him on the cover).

To be continued, I wanna sleep.
But I SWEARR I will continue, it's an exceptionally great story.
And I'll let you know how the fuvest goes.
Pray for me and a miracle.
I still believe I'll manage to pass.
This is the BEFORE.
Whoa.

I Think Writing is Super Important

I think writing is super important. It might even be the way real beauty shines through. I'm eating some fabulous potato chips.

An Inspired Moment

"Make new friends

And fuck the old

I always liked silver

Better than I liked gold"

Yesterday, I Was Not Such A Square

Yesterday I was not such a square. Social codes might be my greatest enemy. If men can be so open about sex, why can't I be? There are differences, but I don't think it's different: if men want to nothing-but-fuck a girl, it's okay, and many times good. Think of someone, a guy that is, watching a movie w/ a hot actress. The more guys that want to touch her, the better for the moviemakers! Even girls when they put on their see-through skirts and belly-showing tank tops - they wanna look good, but they wanna look sexy - as in, they want to show guys or make guys see that they'd love to fuck her. I wanted to fuck a guy yesterday, quite simply. I just did. Men always "just did" - wanted to "fuck a girl, quite simply".

(- I didn't have dinner yesterday
- I love Marina, my tutor, even if she doesn't smell too hot. I L-O-V-E her. (I sound like I'm still drunk. It should not and does not matter, I'll be sober sober really soon anyway))

I have a prime time
And everybody has a prime time
He liked kissing me yesterday; he got a boner/hard-on.
He didn't have sex w/ me in his friend's car because his friend must have been like "DUDE, you're NOT going to fuck a girl in my car!!" and "The only person that has/ever will sex in that car is me! Go to a motel or something!"

I'm so dirty
Seriously
I didn't take a shower yesterday
And now I have these lame little pen marks
all over my writing right hand
I have to do natatation today soon.

Na tevê on TV

My friend, a girl, broke my heart yesterday
The only thing that kept our relationship alive was that not me but SHE thought we could still save it. Now she doesn't think that anymore.

OH, MARTINA!
She's the one who gave me this fucking notebook, bytheway (I no longer thing there ought to be spaces in between the words of that expression). Well, well, well. It's difficult.......... I don't even know what to say about it... Liking people that don't like you is a tough little thing, I tell ya, and it happens way too much to me. I should stop giving people so much importance. And start putting things that were in the "serious/meaningful" area in my mind in the "ridiculous" area. Like Martina who was everything to me - now I have to start seeing her as another meaningless person in my life. Because that is what she wants to be to me. Meaningless, not a significant friend.


Sad sad sad


it was hard to write all this



(because I was lying down and drunk)

My New Favorite Word

here we are

I jus' wanna say
I've been saying, hearing, reading, and incidentally thinking of the word

cunt

a lot.

Cunt -
-"Women"
- "You're acting like a real C word - that's right, a Cranky Sue!"
- "Stupidcuntstupidcuntstupidcunt"
- "Cunt... what a word."
- "CUNT!" (American Beauty)
- "Uh... 'Cunt' is so bad... It's such a dirty word." (Exeter)
- Even Chaucer wrote it in his Olde Engelosh way. I'll find it later and write it in here.

Cliché Commitment

I want to watch you get fat
I wanna watch you grow old
I wanna see you naked
I wanna come home and see you
I wanna talk about money and bills and how we're gonna split things up and supermarket shit
I wanna go to sleep naked with you, completely intertwined
I want to go to stupid boring dinners with you
I want to watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch with you
I want to share things with you
I want to see you talking and laughing with your friends
I wanna be at the important work/personal events in your life
I want to be your cradle

Writing On A Black Piece of Paper

A black paper I can write on with my black pen all my winding amoral little secrets so that no one, not even I, can see what I'm writing or ever read it again to know what I wrote, in the end.

Glorioso São José

My wall macht des bruits bizarros.

English German French Portuguese.

I slept on a bed yesterday with a boy.
And I saw a beautiful-looking boy all last night.

With a great smile with a big gap right between his two front teeth.
He had short oily dark grey-brown hair.
He had beautiful eyebrow ridges so that, from certain angles, they covered the presence of his eyelids... ever so gracefully, oh, ever so handsomely, angles juxtaposed ever so originally and successfully. It was so from this angle, his dark brown irises slipped mysteriously, provocatively from behind his eyebrow ridges, like a woman's sculpted breast, half revealed from behind her clothing. And more, shading his timid irises were his straight eyelashes - like the shadow between the breasts.
Freckles on his neck, behind his ears - beauty marks, they are in fact. Intermittent, deep brown, strategically placed, amongst the ridges in his neck that undulate when he moves. I want to eat his beauty marks.

Les Choses que J'ai Raconté à Noorjahan

Yo fui a la Franza.
Fue mui divertido.

J'ai raconté à Noorjahan sur mes jours de junkie.
Je lui ai raconté sur quand je fumais de cigarettes sans arrête.
Et de quand je niquais quelqu'un que je voulais.
Et de quand je me drogueais pesque tous les jours.
Et quand je n'avais pas peur de mourir.
Et quand j'étias dans les parties les plux dangereux de São Paulo, à la nuit, et jamais sobre.

Best/Most Beautiful/Coolest Lines in Musical Lyrics (that I know)

1) "When I see you, a blanket of stars covers me in my bed"

2) "We ain't even been to the ocean, we been running barefoot through the stream, we ain't even been to the ocean"





I never finished this.

Me and My Mom

that I can remember, and I went off on my own, and I started seeing the huge waves in the ocean, and I think I started climbing them, and I think Mom was watching me from the shore, and I think we were both casually and simultaneaously thinking that I was, in reality, a tiger.

The Outcome of My Hook-Up with Obama

And then, we started taking off each other's clothes, I think actually I did mine and he did his... and as he removed his clothing, he became uglier and uglier... His head became sort of like that of an ugly cartoon indian with "cabelo chanelzinho", droopy eyes, fat cheeks, and a big round droopy nose. I don't think we had sex.

42.40
10.60
34.30
____
87.30

87.3o
54.04
+26.87
_____
168.21

178
x 5
___



178

What It (probably) Would Have Been Like If I'd Kissed Trace

Context: Auschwitz-like boarding school

- It would have tasted like salsa.
- It would have tasted like cereal.
- He might definitely have used something like a wrestling move.
- He would have had an awesome, tight, hard-ass ass. Mmm. Yum.
- He would probably have made a weird brochante sound at some point (w/ his voice)
- At one point, I'd have thought: "WOW" (or perhaps "WHOA!").
- He might have gone straight/too quickly to something dirty like sticking his finger up my asshole.
- He might have said "sorry" at some point in the midst of it
- He would have gotten too horny and might have suddenly gotten up to go clean himself off (and also out of embarrassment).
- It might have been super awesome.
- It might have been a bit awkward at times. But prolly not too much.
- I would have thought something to myself that would have made me laugh out loud, and he'd've been like "what?", and me, like "nothing". Then I'd smile and kiss him more so he wouldn't get the wrong idea and feel bad.
- Clothes would definitely have shifted/come off.
- One of us woulf have said, "Let's go somewhere else".
- We might have gotten annoyed searching for a long while for a place.
- Once we found it, it might have been our ONLY choice and REALLY crappy and awkward.
- His mouth might have grossed me out a bit, or I may have just felt how small and lipless it was.

PUTA FUCK QUE TESÃO (hahaha)
Que dó, isso sim, hahaha...

AI.

- It could have been really sexy.
- I might've snuck him up here or vice versa. Prolly vice versa, actually.
- He might have apologized for getting a boner.

Things I like that make me smile

- The time I was in Dona Clotilde's class, and I was wearing my sweater with the faux fur collar. She'd started kidding with me that I was using "fur", and I said something like "É, foi uma bela raposa", and then she said, "Agora ela está numa bela raposa - uma bela raposa no pescoço de uma bela raposa."

- The time Bill & Marie-France Armstrong took me out to dinner w/ Hans and Ingrid and Hans suddenly started speaking Portuguese!

- The time my dad bought me that Nike watch.

- When Mary told me that she thought she loved me more than I loved her.

- The time Pedro and I were making out and he said: "You have no idea how hot you are".


Everything else is just a blur.

Just kiddinggg!


- When we lived in Paris and I got a fever one day at school, and I slept in the nurse's office, and Mom was coming to pick me up, and when she came, she'd brought my favorite doll.

- In 2006, when Pedro came over to Mary's house, where she and I were, and I'd just gotten back from Bahia, and I'd bought a little beach necklace for him, and before he got there, I was sort of "organizing" things, I guess, and the necklace had been on top of one of her shelves and I'd said "Oh, we can't leave it here because what if he came in here and saw it, and was like 'What's this?', and it's like the present I got him..." So, I put it some place else, but, sort of forgetting about my point, I sorta placed it anywhere... Then, when he got there, Mary and I were lying down on the bed on our backs, as he walked around the room, and at one point, he picked up the necklace, which I'd left on Mary's DESK, and said, "What's this?" Mary and I both started laughing really, really hard, and he, of course, had no idea what was going on. The funny thing also is that he'd picked it up exactly the same way I had, impersonating what he might have done: picking it up with two fingers, dangling it.

- "DUH-LETE-IT!"

Hohoho!

- Phil and all his flattery.

- When, na oitava série, I was in Herr Schultz' German class, and we were playing a vocab game for clothing... And we were trying to get Luana to say "Rocke", which means "skirt", but she couldn't figure it out. So, Camilla said, as a clue: "It's Alexia's style!!" And Luana, confused, looked at us and said, "Emo?"

HAHAHAHOhoho hee hee hee hoo hi hi hi


DAMN, those were all good days.

Typical day in a boarding student's life

Hell. O.

Today is none other
than
the twentieth day
of the month
of October.
Halloween's coming up - what do you know.
My room is quite warm... some would even say "hot".
Well, I guess we should talk about all the interesting updates that come to my mind...
you know - since I last wrote in here.
Well,
I'm pregnant.
And I have no money.
And everybody hates my guts.
I'm all alone.
Okay, okay, okay... that's all metaphorically speaking.
Actually
I've stopped being athletic. I haven't been running anymore, I've been ditching field hockey, and when I don't, I don't do much. I might just not do wreslting.
I've started taking diet pills.
I'm not sure, but they might not be doing good, in the sense that... ever since I started taking them, I've been real fatigued, if that's the right word: really tired and bereft of energy, just in case. And of course, that sucks. I'm seeing what I'll do about that, because I still want to lose weight.
I haven't done any homework all weekend.
I'm
I am beautiful.
I am the most beautiful thing I have ever seen (sometimes)
Hanna is pretty beautiful, too.
And... who else...?
Sometimes Nina is extremely beautiful, too.
Je trouve pas Chenchen belle... fisiquement. Quelquefois.
But there's something about my beauty that is just stunning. I have most beautifully shaped eyes.
C'est fascinant, je te jure.
My lips are pretty incredible. They decorate my mouth so intensely, because of their generous size and pink colour, and their shape.
(I have a fly friend. I have a fly for a friend.)

Dear terry

Dear terry,

I am in bed, drunk, and fully aware that I wrote your name with a lower case T. It was an accident, and I don’t feel like going back and fixing it, I was kind of hoping my computer would fix that on its own, you know, like computers do. Anyway, I’ve had to make afew decision up to this point (of this letter) but they’re not really important. You know, back when I thought I could never get fat, I thought the main pleasure in life was eating. Of course, I was a child then, and I was pretty fucking skinng, believe me. In any case, I’m kind of tired and sleep, and it’s 3 am, but no matter, I went to bed at 4:30 yesterday, but I actually wanted to register this moment. You know that song “Do You Love Me?” You would definitely laugh if I sang that to you. You might think that I’m just deliberately trying to sound crazy. I’m actually just kind of nervous right now, for some reason, I don’t know why, maybe because I’d kinda rather be sleeping right now. Oh the strains of life. Remember when Emma Holt wrote Strane and not Stain? Jesus, right?, what could have possibly been the excuse for that? “I was tired”. Puh. Terry let me go sleep! I love you, honeslty. I’d have sex with you and everything. And you have cool eyes. Did you know your eldest son was in love with me last year? It’d be awkward now if I’d gone through with it, given that I know ador his father. Né, father?vai, let me go to sleep. I’m horny, and I wish someone like oyu would spoon with me right now. What a great way to conclude a letter.

BESTEST OF THE BESTEST

Your ever loving trule and admiring love

Aleixa Caroline Penney

April 16th, 2006

I… I went downstairs real fast… I went for a walk… I was going to the newsstand, but I forgot my money, then I wasn’t sure if the dog had gone out… I was going to call you, I… And the doorman interphoned… He said that there was mail so I went downstairs but it turned out that he was wrong, it wasn’t ours… I was here, I didn’t even call you that long ago…