I gotta write about this
OK, right now is Saturday, but this should count as a Friday night
Guilt. Why do I feel such guilt?
This weekend I must...
-read Passetti
-read Pitta
-write carta do editor and globalização report
-2a via do CPF
4 things.
PUC. Jesus. What to do.
I was here with Phil. We snorted. Enough. I think I like him. I wish it hadn't dawned so he could've stayed here more and we could've talked more.
I think he likes me. Either way... I certainly hope so.
Because I like him as a person.
He's been so consistent and that alone is pretty amazing to me.
He's nice. Sweet. Lovely.
Lovely.
I could like him very much if I liked him.
It's really early in the morning and I should try to sleep. Hopefully I will succeed.
Even though I feel like writing now.
PUC.
Jornlalismo?
I don't know what I want, I wish I did
Maybe I should quit Escola before and study for PUC.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
It's hard being me
We were everything to each other. Why am I not everything to you anymore?
I thought I was going to be all right. And it was for one night. One night when I was drunk and there were many other people around. Maybe a few phone calls afterwards. It could have been anyone though, really, perhaps. I just like talking to people. Had the subjects followed the same course with someone else, I probably would have said all the same things.
I don't know why people do these things. And a few years ago, you told me that you didn't either. Don't you see that this makes me feel used? Or betrayed? I know I could and probably should just proceed without further questions, realize that any assumption I could make right now would be accurate. But I wanted to, I really did, I wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth. I wanted to hear you say "I don't love you anymore." "You did stop meaning everything to me." And then you should definitely tell me why. In ten words. Just give me the truth. Even if there was no particular reason. "I don't know, I just stopped loving you." Do you even want friends? I mean, really? I mean, not because we're all sort of supposed to have friends, it's the normal thing to do, and he has friends, so you might as well have some too. I mean, do YOU really even want friends? Please don't tell me I have you figured out. For the love of god, let me be horribly wrong. I would much prefer being wrong than all this being true. I'm sure you want your friends and family around, but I'm positive that you want them around like the things you keep on your shelves. I'm sure that the only person you want to interact and be with is him. It's fine to me. However... all I want is to know why. Don't break my heart and not tell me why and then continue to think of yourself as a decent person.
I want so badly to not care anymore. To not want to go through the embarrassment of exposing myself and all my clinginess, asking sappy questions, showing that I still care even though you have hurt me so much, swallowing all of my pride to tell you, of all people, who always hurts my feelings... how I feel. Is it possible that you don't know that you hurt me? That is absolutely not a rhetorical question. I genuinely do not know and must ask. Because I just realized that that's a question whose answer is absolutely defining. I MUST ask you. I must find out.
I'm tired. But that doesn't mean anything. I contradict myself. I say I'm tired but if I were really tired, I would have shut up by now. Closed this case. I hope you didn't know that you were hurting me. It would be very stupid of you. Very insensitive.
I can't just be friends with you. I can't just start talking to you again. I thought I could. You didn't even try to fix it. You must have known you had hurt me. How thick could you be? I may have been drunk, but I told you that I felt that I cared about you and you didn't care about me. That I loved you and you didn't love me. And I gave you reasons why I thought so. How could you not agree and then not try to talk me out of it, help me see why you thought I was wrong for feeling that way? How could my saying those things not translate as "YOU HURT ME"? If you hurt me, whether you realize it or not, should I even continue pursuing a direct confrontation where we get it all out in words in order to recognize the state of things? Shouldn't I just drop it exaclty the way it is right now?
Do people we love hurt us this way? They proabably hurt us, but probably not this way.
I guess we'll see each othe now and then. Once a year or so.
We just have to like each other. I mean, that what it takes. That's what it takes to make friends, two people liking each other. And if we can't even do that, then that's that.
I musn't fret. Right now, all I have to do is ask you if you are aware that you hurt me. Everything else I know or can readily assume the answer, with very little possibility of not getting it exaclty right, as those answers are rather obvious. I won't call you. Or will I? It seems that I should. I will ask you if you know why "I stopped meaning everything to you". You will probably tell me that you don't know. I will ask this not because I want to go back to that. We couldn't ever do that again, I should think. I will ask you so I can put the lingering uncomfortable doubt to rest. I will tell you this before I ask you why. Maybe I won't even say this part and just skip it. Then I will ask you if you were at the time and still are now aware that you hurt me. I will ask you this in order to find out if you're worth trying to work something out with or not. My guess is no, though.
I hate you so much. It's easy to start throwing around "never"s and very hard to swallow such sour facts. I have to stay realistic. What matters is if you care in the least bout me. I feel so stupid because it's so obvious to me that you don't. Why do I keep investing in people who treat me badly? I fall in love with, seek, chase, invest in people who treat me badly.
FUCK IT. Already, it's stupid and useless, but I will ask you if there was a reason your feelings changed and if you were and are aware that you hurt me. If you say yes... I don't even want to think about if you say yes. Well, if you do, I will tell you that... I'll say all right. And I'll hang up. And from then on, I will stop caring about you. I will have confirmed my convictions and will finally be free to make an adequate decision and live by it peacefully. I just dread these finger-in-the-wound talks. I'll do it soon. And quickly. We'll talk for ten minutes. I won't let you beat around the bush. I can't wait to have the certainty whether I should stop caring about you or not.
I still feel like there are many loose ends. I'm not comfortable or convinced that any of this will give me quick relief. I feel like a chew toy. I feel chewed up and I sort of can't stand myself for being so attatched, clingy, dependent. But it's not me to just swallow a piece of shit like this and try to move on afterwards. I need things to be clear. Obviously, you shouldn't ever have mattered to me so much. A touch less. I will ask you those questions. And then, whatever happens afterwards, I will swallow this piece of shit and then try to move on afterwards. That I will. I look forward to doing so. I want to swallow this turd, gag, shake it off, and move the fuck on. Move ahead. I want to acknowledge this shit, embrace it, and move forwards.
I'm really impatient. All right. Either way, I'm going to swallow it and I will move on. Godspeed to me. This feels incomplete, like I feel now. It's just the impatience. It's okay.
I thought I was going to be all right. And it was for one night. One night when I was drunk and there were many other people around. Maybe a few phone calls afterwards. It could have been anyone though, really, perhaps. I just like talking to people. Had the subjects followed the same course with someone else, I probably would have said all the same things.
I don't know why people do these things. And a few years ago, you told me that you didn't either. Don't you see that this makes me feel used? Or betrayed? I know I could and probably should just proceed without further questions, realize that any assumption I could make right now would be accurate. But I wanted to, I really did, I wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth. I wanted to hear you say "I don't love you anymore." "You did stop meaning everything to me." And then you should definitely tell me why. In ten words. Just give me the truth. Even if there was no particular reason. "I don't know, I just stopped loving you." Do you even want friends? I mean, really? I mean, not because we're all sort of supposed to have friends, it's the normal thing to do, and he has friends, so you might as well have some too. I mean, do YOU really even want friends? Please don't tell me I have you figured out. For the love of god, let me be horribly wrong. I would much prefer being wrong than all this being true. I'm sure you want your friends and family around, but I'm positive that you want them around like the things you keep on your shelves. I'm sure that the only person you want to interact and be with is him. It's fine to me. However... all I want is to know why. Don't break my heart and not tell me why and then continue to think of yourself as a decent person.
I want so badly to not care anymore. To not want to go through the embarrassment of exposing myself and all my clinginess, asking sappy questions, showing that I still care even though you have hurt me so much, swallowing all of my pride to tell you, of all people, who always hurts my feelings... how I feel. Is it possible that you don't know that you hurt me? That is absolutely not a rhetorical question. I genuinely do not know and must ask. Because I just realized that that's a question whose answer is absolutely defining. I MUST ask you. I must find out.
I'm tired. But that doesn't mean anything. I contradict myself. I say I'm tired but if I were really tired, I would have shut up by now. Closed this case. I hope you didn't know that you were hurting me. It would be very stupid of you. Very insensitive.
I can't just be friends with you. I can't just start talking to you again. I thought I could. You didn't even try to fix it. You must have known you had hurt me. How thick could you be? I may have been drunk, but I told you that I felt that I cared about you and you didn't care about me. That I loved you and you didn't love me. And I gave you reasons why I thought so. How could you not agree and then not try to talk me out of it, help me see why you thought I was wrong for feeling that way? How could my saying those things not translate as "YOU HURT ME"? If you hurt me, whether you realize it or not, should I even continue pursuing a direct confrontation where we get it all out in words in order to recognize the state of things? Shouldn't I just drop it exaclty the way it is right now?
Do people we love hurt us this way? They proabably hurt us, but probably not this way.
I guess we'll see each othe now and then. Once a year or so.
We just have to like each other. I mean, that what it takes. That's what it takes to make friends, two people liking each other. And if we can't even do that, then that's that.
I musn't fret. Right now, all I have to do is ask you if you are aware that you hurt me. Everything else I know or can readily assume the answer, with very little possibility of not getting it exaclty right, as those answers are rather obvious. I won't call you. Or will I? It seems that I should. I will ask you if you know why "I stopped meaning everything to you". You will probably tell me that you don't know. I will ask this not because I want to go back to that. We couldn't ever do that again, I should think. I will ask you so I can put the lingering uncomfortable doubt to rest. I will tell you this before I ask you why. Maybe I won't even say this part and just skip it. Then I will ask you if you were at the time and still are now aware that you hurt me. I will ask you this in order to find out if you're worth trying to work something out with or not. My guess is no, though.
I hate you so much. It's easy to start throwing around "never"s and very hard to swallow such sour facts. I have to stay realistic. What matters is if you care in the least bout me. I feel so stupid because it's so obvious to me that you don't. Why do I keep investing in people who treat me badly? I fall in love with, seek, chase, invest in people who treat me badly.
FUCK IT. Already, it's stupid and useless, but I will ask you if there was a reason your feelings changed and if you were and are aware that you hurt me. If you say yes... I don't even want to think about if you say yes. Well, if you do, I will tell you that... I'll say all right. And I'll hang up. And from then on, I will stop caring about you. I will have confirmed my convictions and will finally be free to make an adequate decision and live by it peacefully. I just dread these finger-in-the-wound talks. I'll do it soon. And quickly. We'll talk for ten minutes. I won't let you beat around the bush. I can't wait to have the certainty whether I should stop caring about you or not.
I still feel like there are many loose ends. I'm not comfortable or convinced that any of this will give me quick relief. I feel like a chew toy. I feel chewed up and I sort of can't stand myself for being so attatched, clingy, dependent. But it's not me to just swallow a piece of shit like this and try to move on afterwards. I need things to be clear. Obviously, you shouldn't ever have mattered to me so much. A touch less. I will ask you those questions. And then, whatever happens afterwards, I will swallow this piece of shit and then try to move on afterwards. That I will. I look forward to doing so. I want to swallow this turd, gag, shake it off, and move the fuck on. Move ahead. I want to acknowledge this shit, embrace it, and move forwards.
I'm really impatient. All right. Either way, I'm going to swallow it and I will move on. Godspeed to me. This feels incomplete, like I feel now. It's just the impatience. It's okay.
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